Nothing is steady

My emotions have no middle ground anymore. They’re either really high and that kind of happy you get when you haven’t slept, or tired and down in the depths that I’ve been sliding into more often than I’d like to. That or I’m nothing. I’m in a place that I feel like I’m just exsiiting. A place that at times I hate more than the sad extreme.

I know this isn’t good for me. I understand that. I know that, but I just can’t completely get myself out of it. I feel okay, and then I drop off again. I can handle it. Last week I thought I couldn’t. I was almost sure I was going to break down. I really thought I was going to, and I was really close to it. Being able to talk to him a bit helped. I was really close to just laying in bed and crying, forgetting about anything I had to do.

Today. My mental function there, just not functioning as much as I’d like. I have enough mental power to write this. Last week I didn’t.

Sometimes talking to him helps, and other times it makes me want to talk to him more. I feel like I’m making it worse for him to. I don’t want him to feel that it’s his fault. Someone else won’t make it better. I’ve told him this.  I agree with our agreement. If there is someone closer who makes you happy don’t feel locked in. ” If you found someone up there that made you happy, I’d be delighted. You deserve every bit of happiness you get.”

If it were only that simple. If it were only so easy. None of this is easy. I know it’s not easy. If I were looking for easy, I would not have let myself like someone that lives so far away.

Even if there were someone here that I even slightly liked, it wouldn’t be easy. This isn’t even anything to do with the fact I don’t think I could let go of him. A agree with the theory and idea of being happy. I’m realistic enough to know that when the person you really like is some 1200 miles away when they are the closest it might not work out. I’ve known that from the beginning. I knew that before I let myself get to this point.

For me, if I want to do anything with that rule, that new person needs to be just as good if not better. I want to take the distance out of it. I don’t want to say, oh this guy is okay, Cain is much better but random guy here is here so I want him. I want that person to be just as good. I don’t want to let go one of the best things I have just because he isn’t here.

All I can hope is that he would have the same standards if he were the one with a choice.

But there isn’t anyone here. Pickings are about as good as at my high school. There really aren’t even the taken ones that would be there if things were different. I’m hard pressed to come up with a name of someone I’d even consider in a vacuum. Even without my matching him rule. People here don’t interest me.

I’m okay being stuck. It’s not stuck to me. It’s just a really hard place. I’m not even sure what to say anymore. I’d love to see him. I want him to be here.

Sometimes talking about this bothers me. Talking about this whole what ifs of finding someone. And I’d be the happy one in the situation. Sometimes it makes me wonder. I makes me wonder what he wants. He wants me to be happy, but I don’t want him to be afraid for me either. It makes me afraid he is going to try pull away. I’m afraid he’s going to pull away to make things easier. I’m afraid that he thinks it will help. Rather than trying to make us closer, try to get me to move on some how. He’s the kind that I can see trying to help me with something that would hurt himself if it would make me better.

It won’t. I need him. I need what talking, the things that I do have. It makes it worse.

I need something to make me happy.

Not having the person to cuddle/hug/kiss isn’t what I want. It’s more than just that. What I need is him. It’s more than the physical stuff, even if that is a part of it. It’s everything with him. Just getting to sit next to him, rest my head on his shoulder would be enough.

Lynda suggested a week ago that I talk to someone. I don’t want to talk to a councilor. I might talk to someone else, but I don’t believe that whole don’t judge thing. Even if they don’t say anything I can see there being a look. A look that I’m crazy for doing this.

I know I’m falling into a depression. i just need to find something to get me out of it that isn’t finding someone else.

I need something to make me happy and a consistent happy.

~ by Justine on November 19, 2008.