Thoughts of a Fickle Muse

London: I hope you die right now, will you drink my chemical?

Justine — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 20:52:46 +0000

So this week is fail week. On multiple levels. Not only do I have all kinds of crap tp do for class, London sucks hard core.

It’s a busy week so it isn’t going to be fun. I have all kinds of work. Three papers, a portfolio, and possibly ten paintings for water color. It’s going to be all kinds of fun and awesome. Really.

And then London goes and fails at being cool. Don’t get me wrong, London is an awesome place, but they fail when it comes to concert tickets. They were lucky to get the concerts. They were lucky Coheed even showed up over there. It wasn’t part of the plan. The least you bastards could do was get the concert sold out. How the hell do you still have tickets on the day the concert opens. Failcore guys.

I’d kill to be able to get there. Kill. Even if it was the same night. I would not complain if I got to see IKSSE:3 again. But if I was going to London I’d be going to all of the nights.This isn’t a few tickets left. This is Kerang! is giving away a buy one get one free deal for tonight. No. Guys. You suck. There are so many people that would kill even more than I would to see that concert. And you aren’t going?

Fornicate you.

All I can hope is that after the details for the DVD come out after London fails at the concerts.

To those in London that are going, I hope you get a better experience because people fucking suck at being cool. That is my rant for now. There is a chance it will continue. There is chance that it will. We’re having a meeting about the mess that is my lounge. Whoopdy-fucknig-do.

Life isn’t perfect, so neither are the places you live in

Justine — Sun, 23 Nov 2008 23:37:05 +0000

People piss me off. They really do. I don; like them and I’m so glad I’m not a People. Those good People are way to hard to find. Way for being a writer, but too many people make me want to go back to Pluto.

I’m tired of getting bitched at for the lounge being to messy. This place isn’t messy. Is it spotless, hell no, but the only thing in this place is clutter. clutter happens and that is just the way life is. There are things on the able and somethings next to the chairs on the floor. There is nothing that is a fire hazard. There have been computers sitting on the chairs or the table. we’re allowed to leave our stuff out there. It’s a community living space we can live in it and have stuff out there if we want. There is nothing wrong with wanted to do that. If I want to leave my laptop put here rather than bring it in m room, that is my right and I can do it just as much s anyone else can.

The only thing that smells in here is the garabage that hasn’t been taken out because it is the weekend.

That and musty air, but guess what it’s too cold to open a window so you are just going to have to put up with it. This is seriously pathetic.

Don’t you dare theaten to throw my stuff away. If you touch it, I will seriously punch you in the face.

So yay for laptop locks. It is fully within my rights to lock my things if I want to leave them in the lounge. You go after my lock with with wire cutters I will make you buy me a new one. If you touch my laptop to do more than move it you will pay for it.

Housekeeping doesn’t care so you can suck my strap on.

I’m tired of the drama in this place.

I hate people. I want to go home and I hope most of this is end of the semester stress. Because I’m not putting up with this anymore.

Nothing is steady

Justine — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 05:27:07 +0000

My emotions have no middle ground anymore. They’re either really high and that kind of happy you get when you haven’t slept, or tired and down in the depths that I’ve been sliding into more often than I’d like to. That or I’m nothing. I’m in a place that I feel like I’m just exsiiting. A place that at times I hate more than the sad extreme.

I know this isn’t good for me. I understand that. I know that, but I just can’t completely get myself out of it. I feel okay, and then I drop off again. I can handle it. Last week I thought I couldn’t. I was almost sure I was going to break down. I really thought I was going to, and I was really close to it. Being able to talk to him a bit helped. I was really close to just laying in bed and crying, forgetting about anything I had to do.

Today. My mental function there, just not functioning as much as I’d like. I have enough mental power to write this. Last week I didn’t.

Sometimes talking to him helps, and other times it makes me want to talk to him more. I feel like I’m making it worse for him to. I don’t want him to feel that it’s his fault. Someone else won’t make it better. I’ve told him this. I agree with our agreement. If there is someone closer who makes you happy don’t feel locked in. ” If you found someone up there that made you happy, I’d be delighted. You deserve every bit of happiness you get.”

If it were only that simple. If it were only so easy. None of this is easy. I know it’s not easy. If I were looking for easy, I would not have let myself like someone that lives so far away.

Even if there were someone here that I even slightly liked, it wouldn’t be easy. This isn’t even anything to do with the fact I don’t think I could let go of him. A agree with the theory and idea of being happy. I’m realistic enough to know that when the person you really like is some 1200 miles away when they are the closest it might not work out. I’ve known that from the beginning. I knew that before I let myself get to this point.

For me, if I want to do anything with that rule, that new person needs to be just as good if not better. I want to take the distance out of it. I don’t want to say, oh this guy is okay, Cain is much better but random guy here is here so I want him. I want that person to be just as good. I don’t want to let go one of the best things I have just because he isn’t here.

All I can hope is that he would have the same standards if he were the one with a choice.

But there isn’t anyone here. Pickings are about as good as at my high school. There really aren’t even the taken ones that would be there if things were different. I’m hard pressed to come up with a name of someone I’d even consider in a vacuum. Even without my matching him rule. People here don’t interest me.

I’m okay being stuck. It’s not stuck to me. It’s just a really hard place. I’m not even sure what to say anymore. I’d love to see him. I want him to be here.

Sometimes talking about this bothers me. Talking about this whole what ifs of finding someone. And I’d be the happy one in the situation. Sometimes it makes me wonder. I makes me wonder what he wants. He wants me to be happy, but I don’t want him to be afraid for me either. It makes me afraid he is going to try pull away. I’m afraid he’s going to pull away to make things easier. I’m afraid that he thinks it will help. Rather than trying to make us closer, try to get me to move on some how. He’s the kind that I can see trying to help me with something that would hurt himself if it would make me better.

It won’t. I need him. I need what talking, the things that I do have. It makes it worse.

I need something to make me happy.

Not having the person to cuddle/hug/kiss isn’t what I want. It’s more than just that. What I need is him. It’s more than the physical stuff, even if that is a part of it. It’s everything with him. Just getting to sit next to him, rest my head on his shoulder would be enough.

Lynda suggested a week ago that I talk to someone. I don’t want to talk to a councilor. I might talk to someone else, but I don’t believe that whole don’t judge thing. Even if they don’t say anything I can see there being a look. A look that I’m crazy for doing this.

I know I’m falling into a depression. i just need to find something to get me out of it that isn’t finding someone else.

I need something to make me happy and a consistent happy.

At least, at least it’s not perfect

Justine — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 18:38:06 +0000

The world seems to want to shove things in my face.

My friend. She’s having her boy friend come up and visit. I don’t even know if they are techincally dating.

It’s just her boy. That’s what she calls him and he is coming for a visit. Great. There it is one more time. All I can remember is that at least, and I almsot feel bad for thinking this. At least it is disfucional. At least it isn’t another good realtionship pushed up into my face.

That’s the last thing that I need.

So this is how it will work…

Justine — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 06:26:16 +0000

See, I’ve never been been big on writing things like this. There’s been this explanation post on almost every blog I’ve started. Technically that was only two this being the second, but I restarted one of them more than twice. Months without saying anything and I felt like I had to.

It seemed like this is what this was turning into, but I don’t want this to be a filler post. Something so things don’t get to that point. No this is something more and it’s something.

Today was a day when I was finally starting to fee again. Feel so much more than I had in the past few days. I hit one of my lowest points earliar this week. I really do think it is as low and horrible as I’ve felt in a long time. Everything hit me all at once.

Everything.

I was down anyway. I feel down from time to time just like everyone does. I do. It’s just a matter of fact and there is nothing that I can do to change that. I was missing Cain. More than the everyday stuff, but I don’t think it was really more than normal. Everything was just added on top of that.

I had class to worry about. A presentation that I had no idea of what to do. Something I could barely understand with my mind being at the level of a gold fish and a stupid one at that. I was having everything pressed in my face. The face that he isn’t here. The fact that he isn’t here for me to be able to even hold hands with. Seeing random person number 5 with random person number 6 doesn’t bother me. Not really. It’s just a twinge. A small thing telling me thing telling me that my world isn’t prefect.

But I don’t know them. I can be sure that their relationship has some sort of stupid problem that I’m happy to not have. But when it sits next to you with the kisses and the cuddling. It hurts and shoves it in your face. I’m more than happy for the both of them, but it still hurts. I know they are happy, and I’m glad for them, but sometimes it makes me want to learn how to teleport. I want see him.

Welcome to the subject of this blog. Me missing the Cain and some other things. So exciting.

And yet…I try again.

Justine — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 15:04:33 +0000

I’ve started a blog for myself more than once. I’ll keep it up, but then I’ll give up because I just don’t care anymore. That or I’ll have nothing to say. This might turn into a friend looking at it thing, or it might be nothing. Take it or leave it at that.

NaNo is starting so I doubt this is going to happen.